Beschneidung Nichts umsonst

Im Schaufenster haengt ein Bild von Moses. Ein galizischer Jude tritt herein - was sieht er? Der Kellner ist glatt rasiert /(nach juedischem Ritus verboten!)/ Der Jude fragt misstrauisch: "Ist das hier wirklich koscher?" Kellner: "Natuerlich, sehen Sie nicht das Bild von Moses im Fenster haengen?" Der Jude: "Das schon. Aber offen gestanden: Wenn Sie im Fenster hingen und Moses servieren wuerde, dann haette ich mehr Vertrauen."

Thanks to Lolly Crummett (29 Palms, CA) for this one:
A rabbi goes into a Chinese restaurant for the first time.

He looks at the menu, reading the descriptions of the various foods. He feels extraordinarily guilty, but decides to go ahead and order; he has been intrigued by Chinese food for years, and has finally broken down and decided to try it.

Since this is his first time in a Chinese restaurant, many of the foods being served seem strange, and the smells in the restaurant are also strange. He finds the menu almost impossible to decipher. The rabbi calls over the most Chinese-looking waiter he sees; he wants an honest, authentic explanation of the different foods. He tells the waiter that this is his first time in a Chinese restaurant, and would like the waiter to explain the menu and give him some recommendations.

And the waiter then said, "I have no idea. I don't eat this traif." So he asks the waiter what's his name, and the waiter says, "Irving Moskovitz." "How'd you ever get that name?"

Well, when I came to this country, we all went through the immigraton line, where they asked where we were from and our names. The person in front of me must have been Jewish, and when they asked for my name, I told him, "Sam Ting."

Kommt ein Jude in den Himmel

und bekommt von Petrus eine Fuehrung durch den Himmel. Vor einer hohen Mauer bleibt Petrus stehen und bedeutet dem Juden, leise zu sein. "Warum ?", fragt der. Sagt Petrus: "Hinter der Mauer sind die Christen, und die glauben, Sie seien alleine hier!"

The CEO of Empire Kosher Chicken

...was visiting the rabbi of a prominent synagogue. After talking for almost an hour, the CEO finally brought up the subject he came to ask the rabbi about. "Rabbi," he said, "I'm willing to give this synagogue 5 million dollars. But before I do, I must also request that the traditional   blessing made over wine on the Sabbath be changed to a blessing over chicken."

The rabbi was taken by surprised by this request. He told the CEO, "For thousands of years, we have been making the blessing over wine and now in one short moment - you want me to go against this age-old tradition? I don't think I can do this."

The CEO was undaunted. "Rabbi," he said, "you drive a hard bargain. Allright, I will give you 10 million dollars to do this, but not a penny more."

The rabbi looked at the CEO and, after several moments, replied, "I will have to get back to you on that."

The CEO left and the rabbi promptly called a meeting of the board of directors of the synagogue. After all the members arrived, the rabbi stood up to speak. "Gentlemen, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The board knew something big was up. The rabbi always began this way when a major task was being undertaken. The rabbi continued. "We have just come into 10 million dollars!" The board gasped at the figure. The excitement was growing. The rabbi continued. "That's the good news. The bad news is - we just lost the Manischewitz account!"

Ein Rabbi ärgert sich darüber,

dass viele der Glaeubigen ohne Kaeppi in die Synagoge kommen. Also schreibt er an den Eingang: "Das Betreten der Synagoge ohne Kopfbedeckung ist ein dem Ehebruch vergleichbares Vergehen." Am naechsten Tag steht darunter: "Hab ich probiert. Kein Vergleich!."

(The following is a joke out of Borough Park, Brooklyn about the late beloved Lubavitcher Rebbe, prior to his passing)
Reb Menachem Schneerson is being driven to a Chabad retreat in the Catskills

by a young student chauffeur. He suddenly requests of the driver a wish to try driving himself after many years of being driven by others.
The young driver feels he cannot refuse the beloved Rabbi and lets him into the drivers seat while he gets into the back seat. Reb Schneerson, having last driven a stickshift in Europe, is having a ball with the advanced automatic, power steering, power brakes and all the luxuries. He soon makes like Richard Petty and comes down the NY Thruway at 95 mph.
A NY State Police car soon pulls him over. The jackbooted cop ambles over with the ticket book. As soon as he spots the driver, he freezes and mumbles a "wait here a minute, please." The cop hurries back to his car, gets on the radio to his area supervisor, and reports a very serious problem, "I just pulled over a very important person!"
The captain on the other end asks; "Did you pull over Senator D'Amato again?"
"No, this guy is more important!"
"You did'nt stop the governor?"
"No."
"The President?"
"No, but this person is real important, although I'm not quite sure who he is."
"How do you know then that this person is so important?"
"Well, he has the Lubavitcher Rebbe for a chauffeur!"

Tradition

During a service at an old congregation, when the Shema was said half of the congregants stood up and half of them remained sitting. The half that was sitting started yelling at those standing and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting.

The Rabbi didn't know what to do about it, so he told his congregation that there was a 98-year-old man living at a local nursing home who was one of the founders of the temple, and that maybe he could solve the dilemma of what the tradition in the temple was. So the Rabbi went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man: "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
The one whose followers sat said, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the Rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand. . ."
And the old man interrupted, "THAT is the tradition!"

Moishe und der Papst

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice.
They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.' An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! 'What happened?' they asked. 'Well,' said Moishe, 'First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.' 'And then?' asked a woman. 'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'

(Zugesandt von OT)

Questionnaire for synagogue seating in Munich:

PLEASE CIRCLE ONE ANSWER FOR EACH QUESTION:

1. I would prefer to sit in the 
     a. talking section 
     b. no talking section
2. If talking, which sub-category do you prefer? 
     a. business 
     b. medical 
     c. politics 
     d. hard gossip 
     e. character analysis 
     f. grandchildren 
     g. fur coats 
     h. what's wrong with the chazen 
     i. what's wrong with the rabbi 
     j. what's wrong with the prime minister
3. I want a seat located 
     a. near my in-laws 
     b. far from my in-laws 
     c. far from my ex-in-laws 
     d. near the pulpit 
     e. near the Kiddush table 
     f. near the exit

Die Methodistenkirche

einer amerkanischen Stadt hat fuer ihr hunderttausendstes Mitglied eine Praemie von zehntausend Dollar ausgesetzt. Kohn gelingt es, den Pfarrer gegen eine Provision von zehn Prozent zu ueberreden, es so einzurichten, dass er das hunderttausendstes Mitglied wird. Kaum zu Hause, bestuermt ihn seine Frau um einen neuen Pelzmantel, sein Sohn um ein Darlehen und seine Tochter um ein Auto. Als auch noch die juedische Koechin eine Bitte vorbringt, wird er aergerlich: »Kaum kommt ein Goi zu Geld, kommen die Juden und ziehen es ihm aus der Tasche!«

Two people take a legal quarrel to the Rabbi for arbitration.

The Rabbi listens to the plaintiff, and finally says "I think you are right."
Then he listens to the defendant for an equal length of time, and says to him "I think you are right."
This puzzles the Rabbi's disciple. He asks, "Master, how can you say this to both? They cannot both be right!"
The Rabbi pauses to think, and then he says, "You know, I think you are right, too."

The main course at the big civic dinner

was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?" "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly," said Rabbi Cohen without skipping a beat.

...a brisket!

What does a doctor bring when he makes house calls? Why, a doctor's kit, of course! And when a plumber comes to fix your pipes, he brings a plumbing kit.
So it should be no surprise that when a mohel comes to a religious event, he brings a brisket!

Dialogue while Moses is at the top of Sinai....

G: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.
M: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.

G: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.
M: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.

G: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in it's mother's milk!!!
M: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside...

G: Ho Moses, do whatever the hell you want....

From J. Turner, JIC (Jewish Internet community)

Hat zwar mit Kashruth weniger zu tun:
A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul in New York

...when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He's an old man with a cane and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says.  'Thank you very much." The Rabbi places his hand on his shoulder and says, May G-d bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.

Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him   where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbis hat and was blessed by him and the went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names. "So where's the money she says?" "I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost." "You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat." "It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.