Divorce

91-year-old Goldstein and his 89-year-old wife of 66 years go to their lawyer to get a divorce. Puzzled, the lawyer asks, "Why did you wait all this time if you were both so miserable for so long?"
The answer: "We were just waiting for the kids to die."

Lenin in Poland

Brezhnev wished to commission a portrait to be entitled "Lenin in Poland" in honor of the fiftieth anniversary of the Russian Revolution. The problem was that Russian painters, being schooled strictly in the realist school of thought, were unable to paint an event which never occurred.

"Comrade Brezhnev, we would like to do it, but we cannot. It goes against our training," was the reply which the Chairman received from every artist he asked. Finally, after getting refusals from all of the great artists in Moscow, Brezhnev was forced to go ask the old Jewish painter, Levy.

"Of course, I prefer to portray actual events, but I'll do the painting for you, Comrade. It would be my great honor." Levy commenced work on the painting. However, every time that Brezhnev visited his studio in an attempt to see the work in progress, Levy rebuffed his efforts, telling him that he never allowed his unfinished works to be viewed.

Finally, the day of the unveiling arrived. Levy stood proudly by the cloth draped over his work. Brezhnev introduced Levy and gestured to his gift to the Russian people on the fiftieth anniversary of the Russian Revolution, a picture commemorating Lenin's historic visit to Poland. Everyone gasped as the cloth was removed to reveal a picture of a man and a woman together in bed.

Brezhnev was stunned. "Whoa, who is that man?" he stammered. "Why, that's Trotsky." "And who," Brezhnev inquired, "is that woman?" "That is Lenin's wife, Comrade Brezhnev."
"But where is Lenin?" "He's in Poland."

With the Olympics coming up.....

As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in the fastest time. Well it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal. Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds, the Italian in 38.1 seconds, and then came the turn of the Israeli...

The crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!!!

"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Screamed the exausted Israeli: "Alright...who's the wise guy who put a mezuzah on every gate?"

RULES OF JUDAISM

A good kugel sinks when placed in mercury.
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
It's not who you know; it's who you know had a nose job.
If it tastes good, it's probably not Kosher.
After the destruction of the Second Temple, G-d created Loehmann's.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
Why spoil a meal with a big tip?
WASPs leave & never say goodbye. Jews say goodbye & never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
There's nothing like a good belch.
Israel is the land of milk & honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
Pork is forbidden, but a pig-in-a-blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a Bris.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
A bad matzoh-ball makes a good paperweight.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
The important Jewish holidays are those on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
According to Jewish dietary laws, pork & shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up & tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.

(Zugesandt PK)

Ein Musikstudent

Ein Musikstudent will ein Zimmer mieten. Die Vermieterin weist ihn aber ab mit den Worten: "Kommt gar nicht in Frage! Wir hatten schon einen Musikstudenten voriges Jahr.

Der war zu meiner Tochter erst sehr Beethoeflich.
Dann wurd' er aber Mozaertlich,
brachte ihr einen Strauss, nahm sie beim Haendel und fuehrte sie mit Lizst ueber den Bach in die Haydn.
Dort wurde er schon Reger.
Dachte frisch geWagnert halb gewonnen, konnte sich nicht Brahmsen.
Jetzt haben wir einen Mendelssohn
und wissen nicht wo Hindemit.

(Vielen Dank fuer die Zusendung und ''Drishath Shalom Chamah im hamon Neshikoth m'Minkhen'' nach Jerusalem an Nomi.)

Liebe Chavah, schau Dir die Erde heut' an...

Ron kommt zum Schneider ,seinen Anzug messen.
Nach 3 Tagen ...noch nicht fertig. Nach 8 Tagen ...noch nicht fertig. Nach 12 Tagen ...noch nicht fertig.
Sagt Ron: 'Der liebe Gott hat die ganze Welt in 6 Tagen geschaffen!!!'
Nu - Ja, schau dir aber den Anzug an und schau dir die Welt an!

Wie gehts? (v. Bronner und Wehle)

Servas ,heiss is.
Heiss is immer ,fragst du nicht wie's mir geht?
Wie komm ich dazu ,du bist im Stand und sagst es mir wirklich, ich bin nicht neugierig.
Nu geh,wenn sich zwei Freunde treffen fragt man wenigstens wie es dir geht.
Gut ,dass a Ruh is : wie geht's dir?
Frag nicht!

A jewish mother is worrying day in and day out about her poor son,

far away in a college: "Oijvey, will he ever find a nice girl,... will he have enough to eat,...will he be cold at night?" While worrying she decides to, at least, buy and send him two warm flanell shirts.
A couple of months later he travels back to New York and see his mother. After many hours in a bus he arrives erev-shabat at her door and thinks: "Wait, maybe I should wear one of the shirts she sent me! Sure this makes her happy!" He puts on the shirt, rings the door bell and his mother opens:
"Jankel!"
"Mammele!"
"Jankel, I am sooooo happy to see you! And you even wear one of the shirts I sent you! - tell me one thing: You didn't like the other shirt?!?!"

A Jewish boy comes home from school

and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"

A salesman for a new firm had a very bad week.

Endless meetings in a half dozen cities, no sales. He was bummed and just wanted to relax on his flight home from Kansas City. Luckily, it looked like he had all three seats to himself in his row and he gratefully closed his eyes awaiting take off.
At the last minute, another passenger plopped down beside him. "Great, just great" he thought to himself. But then he opened his eyes and looked to see an absolutely gorgeous woman, blonde, green eyes, maybe 5 foot 4 inch, nicely built, well groomed and well dressed. Hmm, he thought, maybe my luck is going to change. She also still had a nametag on from something. So he turned to her and said "Hi, Masra. Are you traveling alone?"
She laughed and said "Oh, that's not my name. I was the keynote speaker at a convention today and forgot to take the silly thing off. It stands for Midwest American Sexual Response Association."
"Keynote huh? That sounds fascinating. What was your address on?"
"Well, I'm a licensed sex therapist and have been doing research on the ability of the American male to please women. I've discovered that the American male, contrary to many people's uninformed opinions, is actually quite a good lover. However, there are three groups of Americans that really stand out from the crowd as the best of all."
"One group are the Jewish men because they seem to be able to really communicate with women on a sexual level. Another is the Native American, basically because as a group, they are so well built 'that way.' The third are the men from down South because of their extraordinary ability to keep it up a long time. And by the way, my name's Wanda. What's yours?"
"Hi Wanda. I'm Tonto Weissberg, but all my friends back home just call me Bubba."

Manoever in Israel

Eine Flussbruecke traegt (fuer die Manoever) ein Schild: »Die Bruecke ist gesprengt.« Der Hauptmann sieht von seinem Huegel aus durch das Fernrohr empoert, wie eine gruppe Infanteristen seelenruhig dennoch ueber die Bruecke marschiert. Zornig faehrt der Hauptmannmit seinem Jeep heran und will die Soldaten tuechtig anschnauzen. Da sieht er zu seiner Verblueffung, dass sie ein Transparent tragen mit der Aufschrift: »Wir schwimmen.«

Auf der Boerse

trat jemand an Fuerstenberg mit der Frage heran: »Bitte, wo ist hier die Toilette?« Hierauf Fuerstenberg: »Hier gibt's keine Toiletten. Hier bescheisst einer den andern.«

Cohen & Levy are both in the antique business

across the street from each other, and have been for years. Cohen hates Levy - he thinks he's a gonniff & a liar & an ignorant bastard, and says so publicly. Levy thinks the same about Cohen.
One day Levy leaves the door open to his shop and goes out for a few minutes. Cohen takes the opportunity to walk across the street and steal a magic lantern Levy has in the window. He gets it back to his shop and can't resist rubbing it. Naturally a genie pops out of the lantern.
"Cohen", says the genie, "because you have released me from a thousand years of confinement in the lantern, I will grant you one wish - anything you want - money, power, fame, anything. But because the lamp belongs to Levy, whatever it is you get, Levy will get twice as much."
"You mean," says Cohen, "if I ask for a million dollars, Levy gets two million?"
"That's right," says the genie, "and if you ask for a beautiful woman, Levy gets two beautiful women."
"All right, genie," says Cohen. "I know what I want."
"What's that?"
"I wish I were half dead."

Polnisch-juedisches Sprichwort

Wenn man arbeitet, hat man keine Zeit, Geld zu verdienen.

In zaristischen Russland

fiel ein Jude, der nicht schwimmen konnte, in die Newa. Er schrie um Hilfe; in der Ferne spazierten zwei Poilizisten- aber sie gingen gleichgueltig weiter. Da kam dem Juden in der Not eine Idee. »Nieder mit dem Zaren!« bruellte er aus Leibeskraeften. Im Nu sprangen beide Polizisten ins Wasser und schleppten ihn heraus, um ihn ins Gefaengnis zu bringen.

Das Schiff hat ein Leck

Die Leute schreien, weinen. Ein Jude gebaerdet sich besonders verzweifelt. Da tritt ein anderer auf ihn zu und fragt verwundert: »Was schreist du? Ist es dein Schiff?«

Aus dem Brief eines Ehemannes an sein Weib

»Teure Riwke, sei so gut und schik mir Deine Pantoffeln! Natuerlich meine ich meine und nicht Deine Pantoffeln. Aber wenn Du liest >meine Pantoffeln<, dann meinst Du, ich moechte Deine Pantoffeln. Wenn ich aber schreibe: Schick mir Deine Pantoffeln, dann liest Du >Deine Pantoffeln< und verstehst richtig, dass ich meine: >meine Pantoffeln< und schickst mir meine Pantoffeln. Schick mir also Deine Pantoffeln!«

Zwei Juden gehen in eine Ausstellung impressionistischer Kunst

Vor einem der Gemaelde bleiben sie stehen und diskutieren lange darueber, ob es nun ein Landschaftsbild oder ein Portrait sei. Da sie sich nicht einigen koennen, gehen sie zurueck zur Kasse, um einen Ausstellungskatalog zu kaufen. In dem-selben suchen sie das Bild. Es hat den Titel "Mandelbaum an der Riviera". Sagt der eine Jude zum anderen: "Siehst Du, ich hab' Dir doch gleich gesagt, das ist ein Portrait!"

Vielen Dank, fuer Mitarbeit und Anregungen,
an G. Fleischmann, A. Cohen und N. Meron.

Humor, erzählt auf Jiddisch
Noch viel mehr Witze gibt's in Frankfurt.